Marriage MISTAKES and Building a Strong Foundation | Ep. 6

Welcome to Episode 6 of The Noble Marriage Podcast, where Travis and Adelle bring relatable, raw, and real conversations all about marriage and life! Join them and their sweet Nala girl as they dive into the profound impact of past wounds on present relationships, exposing the hidden fears and unspoken issues that can keep couples from true intimacy. This week, Adelle vulnerably shares the painful story of her first discovery of betrayal in their relationship, just months before their wedding. This deeply personal account highlights how old wounds from childhood can resurface, impacting how we react to betrayal and hindering open communication.

Travis and Adelle begin by expressing heartfelt gratitude, a practice they aim to incorporate into every episode. Adelle thanks Travis for his thoughtful gestures, like making coffee and lunch, while Travis appreciates Adelle's care for their numerous house plants. Adelle then shares her deep gratitude for Travis's intentional growth in listening and understanding her heart, noting how it has transformed their connection. They recap last week's discussion on how willpower alone isn't enough to stop destructive behaviors, emphasizing the need for true freedom. They underscore the importance of understanding the underlying drivers of our actions, noting that even the Apostle Paul in Romans 7 struggled with doing what he hated. Adelle reveals one of her own destructive behaviors: not speaking up due to lies deeply ingrained in her heart.

Adelle courageously reads from their book, detailing the moment she discovered explicit photos on Travis's computer just months before their wedding. She describes the physical and emotional shock of that "all too familiar feeling" of betrayal. Despite her inner turmoil, she rationalized it as a "normal guy thing," suppressing her true feelings. The ensuing conversation was difficult for Adelle, who hated conflict. She confronted Travis, stating she "better never have to bring this up again," a vow born from discomfort and a lack of tools to address such a sensitive topic. Travis was apologetic and promised it wouldn't happen again, which Adelle accepted, believing at the time that this was "more than I ever got previously." Adelle connects her reaction to this betrayal with deeply rooted childhood experiences. She recounts her rebellion against her father's control at age 16, leading to shoplifting, arrest, and being sent away from home. This abandonment fostered profound lies in her heart: "People I love will leave me if I make mistakes," "I have to hide myself so I will be accepted," and "If I shared how I felt, people I love won't listen or care anyways." These lies prevented her from truly confronting Travis about the pornography, from requesting help, and from seeking accountability. Instead, she internally vowed the topic was "done" and would never be revisited.

Travis acknowledges his betrayal and the painful truth that Adelle's reaction wasn't just to his actions but compounded by "every other betrayal" she had experienced, going "all the way back to the first time you were betrayed." They discuss how Adelle's long-held lies about abandonment and unworthiness led her to shut down rather than engage in an open, healing conversation, which would have explored questions like, "How long has this been affecting you?" Travis admits that during this unhealthy stage, his responses would have likely been characterized by defensiveness, justification, pride, anger, blame, and victimization, rather than humility. He acknowledges that while he had a "humble heart" in wanting to stop the behavior, he also had a strong desire to hide it, becoming "better at hiding it."

Travis reflects on his awareness of the consequences of his actions (destroyed relationships, lack of trust) but admits he was unaware of deeper impacts on his mental health, objectification of women, brain function, and generational sin.He introduces the concept of cognitive dissonance, using the analogy of a smoker minimizing their habit compared to someone who smokes more. This self-deception, fueled by "the strength of evil lies," minimizes the severity of the sin. He describes feeling pulled by "fish hooks" or "chains" representing each lie, keeping him small and preventing him from being the powerful individual God created him to be. Adelle points out how negative influences can "dress up" these hooks to make sin enticing, disguising destructive paths as appealing opportunities. They address the harmful lie that "men do this thing," a belief that permeated Travis's military and law enforcement circles. Both unequivocally state that pornography is not just a "man thing" but a human epidemic with devastating consequences for the brain, relationships, self-esteem, and the ability to experience genuine intimacy and Oneness in marriage. It destroys the capacity to see others as individuals, reducing them to objects.

Adelle shares how fear paralyzed her from addressing the betrayal, preventing her from engaging with Travis's health and their future. They challenge listeners with a profound question: "What are the things that you are not addressing in your home?" They encourage honest reflection on fear, anxiety, and worry that might be holding them back from crucial conversations. Travis offers a powerful analogy for those contemplating "stopping porn when they get married": it's like using heroin before marriage and expecting to stop instantly. The brain creates strong neural pathways that make it incredibly difficult to break free, destroying the ability to experience pleasure and intimacy within marriage.

Adelle offers empathetic words to those currently experiencing betrayal discovery: "Your spouse's choices have everything to do with their heart. It doesn't mean you're not good enough... Your spouse has a heart issue." They reiterate the challenge to identify unspoken issues and revisit past unresolved arguments, encouraging couples to bring in a Christian counselor, therapist, or coach to facilitate healing conversations. They conclude by emphasizing the importance of one's heart, marriage, and legacy, and thank listeners for their continued support.

What unspoken issues or fears are you ready to address in your own relationships after hearing Travis and Adelle's candid discussion?