Codependency, Secondary Trauma, and the Mask of Perfectionism | Ep. 11
Welcome back to The Noble Marriage, where Travis and Adelle bring real, raw, and relatable conversations about life and marriage. In Episode 11, they delve into the deeply personal and often overlooked impact of secondary trauma, alongside the complexities of codependency and the mask of perfectionism. Following Travis's raw sharing in Episode 10 about his journey with PTSD, Adelle takes the spotlight to share her perspective on how his experiences created a cascade of challenges in her own life, offering profound insights and relatable struggles.
Travis shares gratitude for Adelle's wise advice the previous day, which prevented him from making a poor decision, acknowledging that "God came through." Adelle expresses her appreciation for Travis's cheerful, loving, and pleasant demeanor every morning, highlighting the joy of waking up beside him.
Adelle introduces the episode as a portion from her chapter, "Behind the Mask of Perfectionism," explaining that Travis's traumatic incident and subsequent PTSD (discussed in Episode 10) were the catalyst for her own perfectionistic tendencies. She recounts the "normalcy of chaos" that ensued after Travis was publicly blamed for murder and repeatedly sued. The fear, their house being shot at, and necessary hiding from retaliation, combined with their move, marked a deeply challenging time, barely a year into their marriage.Adelle describes her early struggles watching Travis's alcohol dependence, rationalizing it as his necessary "escape." She felt drained and disconnected as his emotional walls grew higher. She candidly shares her disillusionment, realizing she couldn't "change" him, a common yet damaging expectation in many relationships. Adelle explains her attempts to connect with Travis, noting his conversations revolved solely around fear and safety protocols, not his deeper emotions. She reflects on how his experiences created secondary trauma for her, manifesting as intense fear that was "contagious." Adelle reveals her own unhealthy coping behaviors to escape her secondary trauma, including drinking, excessive shopping, and throwing herself into her businessā€”a space where she felt competent and could "win" amidst personal defeat.
She recalls Travis shutting down conversations about his drinking, leading her to feel a "double standard" compared to her own struggles (e.g., smoking). She acknowledges that she focused on his overt behaviors because they were "in her face," rather than understanding the underlying pain in his heart. Adelle recounts Travis's physical decline, his defensiveness around spiritual conversations, and her own increasing sense of isolation and despair within the marriage. This sparked her perfectionism ā€“ an attempt to control and perfect her outward life and those around her. She describes the exhausting facade of perfection, driven by a desperate need for external approval, confidence, and to hide her own feelings of insecurity, fear, and "not good enough." This "bruised, battered, and broken heart" bled out underneath the mask, leading to depression and a spiral of unhealthy coping mechanisms like shopping, drinking, partying, and medication. Adelle shares how her codependency led her to purchase alcohol for Travis, believing it would make him "even-keeled" and tolerable, rather than addressing the underlying issues.
Both Travis and Adelle reflect on the severe lack of emotional safety in their relationship during this period. Travis highlights the need for a non-judgmental, curious, and emotionally safe space to share vulnerabilities, while Adelle admits her own judgmentalism and lack of understanding contributed to this deficit. Travis describes how his "prickly" reactions (anger, rage, defensiveness, sarcasm, stonewalling) when confronted about his struggles pushed Adelle away, teaching her not to approach certain topics. Adelle reciprocated by avoiding confrontation due to her own fear of rejection and need for acceptance. Adelle describes feeling helpless and powerless, "stuck in a marriage 'for better or for worse'" while watching Travis decline. She candidly shares how her attraction faded as he neglected the "four areas of well-being" (spiritual, physical, mental, emotional), and admits she too let herself go in a "what's the use" mentality. They revisit their past pursuit of worldly "success" (big houses, expensive cars, gadgets), acknowledging it was a misdirected attempt to "win" when their personal lives were failing. Adelle ties her perfectionism to core fears ("thorns") of not being "good enough," seeking external validation as an opposite to her internal feelings.
Travis and Adelle passionately encourage listeners experiencing secondary trauma, PTSD, or codependency. They emphasize the importance of good self-care and seeking professional help, stating: "It's okay to not be okay, but it's not okay to stay there." Adelle warns against allowing perfectionism to prevent reaching out for help, as it did for her. They reiterate that healing is possible, and a great, fulfilling life (John 10:10) is available through God, medication (if prescribed by a listening doctor), and various therapeutic options.
Call to Action: Have you experienced secondary trauma in your life? How have codependency or perfectionism impacted your relationships? We'd love to hear your experiences in the comments below.
Next Week: Tune in as Travis and Adelle explore the awareness of addiction. If you know someone who has struggled with addiction, this will be an important conversation.
