The Firm Foundation of Marriage: Chasing Away the Foxes | Ep. 21

Welcome to The Noble Marriage, where we bring real, relatable, and raw conversations all about life and marriage! In Episode 21, Travis and Adelle delve into the essential topic of building a strong foundation for your marriage, exploring how to foster a thriving relationship rather than one in decline. They promise to reveal the "ingredients" every successful marriage shares and provide actionable tips for growth.

Before diving in, they give a shout-out to last week's episode on the transformative power of prayer, encouraging listeners to revisit it if they need God to intervene in their lives. They also invite the audience to share their location and whether they're watching with their spouse, fostering a sense of community. The episode kicks off with their signature gratitude segment. Travis expresses appreciation for Adelle's numerous plants that bring joy and life to their home. Adelle shares heartfelt gratitude for Travis's intentionality in prioritizing quality time with her, especially during their daughter's bedtime routine, making her feel truly cherished.

More Than Band-Aids: Uncovering the Cracks Adelle then sets the stage by recounting their experience at a second marriage retreat in Spring 2016 at the beautiful WinShape in Rome, Georgia. Led by Dr. Gary Chapman, author of "The Five Love Languages," the retreat opened their eyes to how they were unintentionally loving each other in "all the wrong ways," leading to confusion and hurt. Adelle shares how Travis's acts of service, like cleaning the house, went unnoticed and built resentment because her primary love language was not acts of service, but physical touch (non-sexual, gentle gestures like kisses on the neck or touches on the face).

While learning about love languages brought immediate improvement, Adelle uses a vivid metaphor: it felt like "planting grass on top of a huge volcano filled with raw sewage." This illustrates how they were applying "Band-Aids" to a relationship that needed "open heart surgery," as the foundational issues remained unaddressed. They emphasize that simply "working on communication" or "solving conflict" are often just surface-level solutions. True healing requires going to the root of the problem – identifying the "problem under the problem." This is an ongoing lifestyle of intentional practice, not a one-time fix.

The Essential Ingredients for a Firm Foundation Travis and Adelle outline seven key concepts for establishing a firm foundation in marriage:

1. Jesus Christ at the Center: This is non-negotiable for a truly thriving marriage, fostering a surrendered heart to God that extends to surrendering to each other. Without Christ, they argue, marriages lack an eternal purpose and the "fruit of the Spirit," which brings supernatural peace (John 14:6, Philippians 4:6-7). This also cultivates humility, counteracting pride and allowing for an open heart.

2. Trust: Established through consistent words and actions, demonstrating that you have each other's best interests at heart.

3. Empathy: Treating each other as valuable, acknowledging their beliefs, pain, and experiences. Adelle shares that she initially misunderstood empathy as pity, but it's truly about seeing the other person's humanity and recognizing, "you're hurting, and that matters to me."

4. "Being HOT" (Humble, Open, Transparent): This core principle in their ministry involves being a student of your spouse, learning from them with a heart posture of humility, openness, and willingness to share even difficult truths. This requires and builds emotional safety within the relationship, allowing for vulnerability without defensiveness or sarcasm.

5. Shared Values and Vision: Having similar goals and aspirations strengthens the relationship, providing a guiding direction (as "where there is no vision, the people perish" - Proverbs 29:18).

6. Commitment (Covenant Marriage): This is a deep dedication, loyalty, and willingness to work through "anything and everything together." They liken it to a "movie theater with no fire exits" – when challenges arise, you are committed to fighting for the relationship rather than seeking an easy escape. Adelle shares her personal experience of staying in her marriage despite having "every reason to get a divorce," highlighting the immense strength, courage, and bravery it takes. They emphasize that problems follow us regardless, so addressing them within the marriage is key.

7. Humor (Implied): While not explicitly stated as a separate point, their playful banter and shared laughter throughout the episode demonstrate the importance of humor and lightness in navigating challenges.

Identifying Foundation Issues: Chasing Away the Foxes Adelle introduces the concept of "foxes" from Song of Solomon 2:15, which are "small things that we don't identify as spiritual" but "ruin the vineyard of love." These "foxes" are signs of a relationship in decline or "drift." They discuss key indicators:

• Decreased Communication: Feeling unheard, avoiding difficult topics.

• Growing Resentment and Bitterness: Building negative feelings due to unaddressed issues.

• Lack of Intimacy: Decreased physical or emotional closeness, feeling disconnected or lonely (though they note some couples in crisis might maintain physical intimacy while other areas decline).

• Frequent Arguments: Increased conflict, difficulty resolving issues, leading to more intensity and irritability.

• Loss of Interest in the Relationship: Feeling bored, lacking excitement or passion.

• Criticism and Blame: Focusing on the spouse as "the problem and the solution," avoiding personal responsibility (Travis and Adelle note this is one of the most common struggles they see).

• Withdrawal: Spending less time together, engaging in activities alone, emotional distance.

Journaling Questions for Reflection: Travis and Adelle conclude with thought-provoking journaling questions:

• What are the core values and foundations you believe are important for a lasting and fulfilling marriage, and how do these compare with what you're currently prioritizing?

• Identify the specific "foxes" attacking your "vineyard" (marriage). What steps can you take to address and eliminate them today?

They thank listeners for tuning in and offer a "bonus point" for inviting your spouse to watch the episode with you. They suggest doing so from a humble, open, and transparent heart, sharing how the content has impacted you personally, rather than trying to "fix" them. Finally, Travis and Adelle mention that they offer an intensive retreat program for couples seeking support in building a firm foundation, specializing in helping couples build healthy relationships. For more about their intensives, visit: https://thenoblemarriage.com/marriage-intensives