The Damaging Impact of Judgment and How to Overcome It | Ep. 22

Welcome to The Noble Marriage, where we bring real, relatable, and raw conversations all about life and marriage! In Episode 22, Travis and Adelle tackle the profoundly damaging topic of judgment in relationships, revealing its hidden faces and offering practical strategies for overcoming it. They share deeply personal insights on how judgment, both self-imposed and received from others, can sever connections and hinder healing.

Adelle opens the episode by expressing her excitement to uncover what judgment truly looks like and to discuss strategies for overcoming it. She highlights a poignant moment from a chapter in her book, "Judge Not That You Be Not Judged," where she desperately wanted help but was paralyzed by the fear of "what others think of me." This internal struggle, she explains, kept her isolated and unable to invite others into her pain. Travis then reads from the chapter, recounting Adelle's realization that her harsh judgment of a former pastor's unrepentant addictions was a reflection of her own self-criticism and unfaithfulness in her marriage. He reads Matthew 7:1-2: "Judge not, that you be not judged.  For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you." Adelle posits that Jesus might have been referring to how we judge ourselves. 

The Hidden Face of Judgment: Self-Criticism and Isolation Adelle elaborates on her past belief that she needed to "improve myself and get a little better" before seeking help. This stemmed from a deep internal sense of being "a wreck of a person" and a fear of revealing her true self. She identifies this as a lie from the enemy, a "shame" that acts like a "veil," preventing us from reaching out. Travis adds that this is a manifestation of pride – the desire to appear better than we truly are. They discuss how judging others is often a projection of our own self-judgment. Adelle explains that her frequent criticism of others' actions, words, and appearances was an attempt to avoid looking at her own perceived flaws and self-dislike. Travis links this to a lack of self-trust when we aren't living up to our own commitments, leading to difficulty trusting others and pushing judgment outwards.

The Damaging Impact on Relationships Travis and Adelle candidly explore how judgment acts as a significant barrier in their own marriage:

• Misinterpretation: Travis often felt judged by Adelle, perceiving her questions as interrogation or criticism. He shares the relatable "green bean seasoning" anecdote, where a simple question ("What seasoning did you use?") triggered deep-seated feelings of inadequacy and judgment within him, leading to defensiveness and withdrawal.

• Destruction of Intimacy: Judgment creates walls and "vicious vortexes of death" in relationships, quickly escalating minor misunderstandings into major conflicts.

• Isolation and Withdrawal: Self-judgment leads to isolation from others and emotional withdrawal in relationships. When one feels judged, they "stonewall" and deem the other unsafe, even if the other person's intentions are pure.

• Broken Bridges: Judgment can lead to irreparable damage in relationships, both personal and professional.  Adelle painfully recounts the judgment she received from friends during her journey of staying and repairing her marriage after betrayal. Their comments ("You don't deserve for me to stay," "He'll do it again") were deeply damaging because they assumed her motives and failed to see her following God's call for forgiveness. This experience revealed the "hypocrisy trap," mirroring the judgment she had previously dished out. 

   

Empathy vs. Judgment: Seeing Humanity They contrast judgment (pride with no curiosity) with empathy (seeing humanity and curiosity). Adelle explains that empathy involves recognizing another person as "God's child," a human being with their own struggles and background. This allows for deeper understanding and compassion. Travis notes that Adelle's ability to see his "humanity," even as a "little first-grade boy trying to fit in," helps her have empathy in moments like the "green bean" incident. This shift from seeing intentional rudeness to understanding underlying pain allows for grace and love. Adelle emphasizes that cultivating empathy involves a practice of curiosity, asking "How did you hear me?" instead of immediately becoming defensive.

Overcoming Judgment: Spiritual and Practical Tools Travis and Adelle offer powerful tools to overcome judgment:

• Taking it to Jesus's Feet: This is a "game changer" – surrendering self-judgment and judgment of others to God, asking Him to "change my heart." They encourage a physical act of surrender, holding hands up as if giving the burden to God.

• Addressing Strongholds: Persistent judgment indicates a "stronghold" and potential "evil influence." They recommend revisiting Episode 19 for freedom from lies of the enemy and Episode 15 to understand the root of the "thorn of judgment" from the past.

• Breaking Agreements with Lies: In Episode 17, they discuss identifying and breaking agreements with Satan's lies over God's truth, effectively removing the "veil" that distorts our view.

• Vulnerability: This is a crucial practical tool. God created us "to know and be known." Vulnerability (showing imperfections, struggles, and humanity) allows us to lower our walls and invites others to do the same, fostering genuine connection and intimacy.  Adelle shares a recent experience with friends where radical vulnerability led to profound connection, even though their external circumstances remained unchanged. 

   

Reflection and Call to Action They conclude by prompting listeners to reflect: How might your self-judgment be affecting your relationships? Where do you see judgment towards others present in your life? They encourage live viewers to share their takeaways in the chat.

They also offer "bonus points" for inviting your spouse to watch episodes with you, suggesting a humble and authentic approach: "Honey, I was watching this video from The Noble Marriage and it helped me see something for myself. I'd love for you to watch the next one with me, would you be interested?"

They also mention their intensive retreat program as a way they support couples in building firm foundations and healing relationships. For more about intensives, visit: https://thenoblemarriage.com/marriage-intensives