The Courage to Seek Help and Overcome Suffering in Silence | Ep. 23

Welcome to Episode 23 of The Noble Marriage! Travis and Adelle dive deep into the profound impact of suffering in silence and the courage it takes to reach out for help in a relationship crisis. Adelle opens by describing her own "breaking point" in their marriage, a time when she was reluctant to seek support despite feeling trapped. This episode offers a powerful counterpoint to last week's discussion on judgment, focusing instead on the vulnerability and necessity of seeking external help.

Adelle shares a powerful excerpt from her book, highlighting her gratitude for her therapist, Marley. For the first time, Adelle felt she had "one person in her corner," ending her silent suffering. Marley helped her recognize the severity of their situation, particularly the escalating arguments fueled by Travis's addiction. Adelle candidly admits her initial motive was not for Travis's sake, but her own, as she couldn't stay married to an addict. Marley provided crucial "verbage" and a plan, giving Adelle the courage to confront the difficult situation.

Overcoming the "Good Enough" Trap and Enemy's Lies Travis points out that Adelle waited until she was "at the very last point" before seeking help. Adelle agrees, wishing she had sought support sooner. She now recognizes that the enemy often creates a "veil" of deception, convincing us we don't need help. Any time she feels that opposition, she immediately reaches out, knowing that God has something for her on the other side of that resistance. Travis shares his own experience of resisting help during the book-writing process, only to find immense gratitude once he did. Adelle eloquently describes the pain of "suffering in silence" as loneliness, isolation, and feeling completely alone. She emphasizes that Marley's validation helped her see the true severity of their normalizing destructive behaviors, such as yelling and name-calling. Travis commends Adelle's courage in sharing what goes on "behind closed doors," emphasizing the maturity it takes to involve others in healing.

The Power of External Perspective and Community They then discuss the crucial role of external support:

• Clarity and Truth: Adelle explains how her therapist helped her see beyond her "mask of perfectionism" and the "unreal reality" she had constructed. A healthy, objective professional can provide a "3,000-foot view," bringing darkness into light and offering clarity about problems that may seem convoluted when you're in the midst of them.

• A Way Forward: Adelle's experience of leaving Marley's office with a plan was incredibly empowering. This plan, including the difficult decision of an ultimatum (which they caution is a last resort, not a first step), provided a path where there previously was none.

• Hope and Encouragement: Travis acknowledges Adelle's coaching of other women, highlighting how immediate support filled with "hope, encouragement, life, truth, validation, and empowerment" can transform turmoil into resolution.

• God's Hand Through Others: They challenge the notion that "all I need is God," stressing that while true, God often works through community. For those with unforgiveness blocking their access to God's direct guidance, other believers can serve as vessels to deliver His message. They cite Proverbs' "iron sharpening iron" and James 5:16 on confessing sins for healing.

Recognizing Red Flags and Prioritizing Healing Adelle acknowledges that many people might not even recognize red flags in their relationships. They provide a comprehensive list of warning signs that indicate a need for professional help:

• Constant Arguments/Conflicts: Frequency, intensity, and inability to resolve conflicts.  

• Difficulty Communicating: Inability to express feelings or needs openly.  

•  Feeling Disconnected/Indifferent: Lack of emotional intimacy.

• Lack of Intimacy: Decreased physical or emotional closeness.  

• Betrayal: Broken trust through infidelity or other breaches.  

   

• Major Life Challenges: Health issues, loss, new children, wayward children, etc.

• Substance Abuse/Addiction: Issues with alcohol, drugs, or other addictive behaviors.

• Domestic Violence/Abuse: Physical, emotional, or psychological abuse.

• Unresolved Past Issues: Significant trauma or unaddressed personal "thorns."

• Feeling Stuck or Unhappy: General dissatisfaction and hopelessness.

They emphasize that these issues will not improve on their own and will only worsen without intervention. Having the courage to reach out for help is not a sign of weakness, but a profound act of strength.

Overcoming Obstacles and Finding the Right Support Adelle discusses the importance of creating an effective plan with professional guidance, as her therapist helped her formulate the ultimatum with precise "verbage" and approach. They reiterate that ultimatums are a last resort for specific circumstances. They strongly advise finding the "right fit" in a counselor, therapist, or coach – someone encouraging, life-giving, who embodies Christian values, and will speak truth and grace. They caution against secular therapists who may hold postmodern views of marriage, which can be destructive from a biblical perspective. They highlight the difference between therapy (often problem-focused) and coaching (focused on forward movement, growth, and freedom). Lastly, The Noble Marriage offers its own unique path to healing through coaching and intensive programs, designed to rebuild trust, rekindle intimacy, foster emotional connection, and empower couples.  They encourage listeners to visit their website, read testimonials, and schedule a reduced-value assessment call to experience the transformative power of their approach, which they humbly attribute to the Holy Spirit working through them. 

• What would it be like for you if you chose to reach out and get help from someone else right now, today? What kind of freedom and impact would you experience in your life?

• By when are you going to reach out to that person for help? Don't wait; your heart and your marriage are worth it. Who knows, that one person you reach out to might make all the difference.

• What resonated most with you about Adelle's experience of finally seeking help?