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The Crucial 'Why' Behind Betrayal: Finding the Root for Lasting Healing | Ep. 11

Season #2

 

Betrayal is more than a singular event—it’s a shattering puzzle that leaves both the betrayer and the betrayed spouse searching for answers. In Episode 13, we dive into the most crucial question in the healing journey: Why?

Travis and Adelle share why discovering the root cause of the betrayal and sinful patterns is absolutely essential for lasting healing and preventing the cycle from repeating. They discuss how the betrayed spouse must resist the enemy's lie ("you're not good enough") and how the betrayer must courageously take personal responsibility to uncover the deep-seated issues that drove their actions.

This episode reveals how a betrayer's vulnerability allows the betrayed spouse to shift focus from the pain to their own healing, ultimately leading both partners to a whole and complete life centered on their true identity in Christ.

 

Key Takeaways

 

  • The Crucial Question: Lasting healing depends on discovering the root of why the betrayal or pattern of sin occurred. Without this, the cycle is difficult to break.

  • The Enemy’s Lie: When seeking the "why," the enemy will feed the betrayed spouse the lie, "You're not good enough," which is not the truth and will follow them into any future relationship.

  • Betrayer's Responsibility: When the betrayer takes personal responsibility to uncover their 'why' (often through professional help), it creates a safe space for the betrayed spouse to focus on their own healing and what they contributed to the marriage dynamic (e.g., emotional neglect, unforgiveness).

  • Willpower is Not Enough: We all relate to the Apostle Paul's struggle in Romans 7:15 ("I know what to do and yet I keep doing the wrong thing"). Willpower alone is temporary; spiritual surrender and reliance on the Holy Spirit are essential.

  • Identity is the Root: Every issue—including every sexual issue, as Dr. Julie Slatterie says—is ultimately a spiritual issue that leads back to an identity issue (Genesis 3).  We must align with our true identity as an image bearer of God (Genesis 1:26-28, 5:1).  

  • Surface vs. Heart Healing: Trying to fix surface-level behaviors (anger, defensiveness, acting out) is like "whack-a-mole." True, lasting change happens when you surrender your heart to God, address the lies written on your heart (the root), and live a Spirit-led life.

  • The God-Sized Hole: The deepest "why" behind all betrayal and destructive actions is the God-sized hole in every heart. Until this hole is filled with God, we will attempt to fill it with fleeting, sinful substitutes that never satisfy.

 

Action Steps & Resources

 

  1. Seek Professional Help: Do not attempt this journey alone. Find a Christian therapist, counselor, or coach who can guide you to the root issues.

  2. Uncover Your Identity: Begin daily by reaffirming your identity as God's child, loved, chosen, and worthy.

  3. Healing Program: If you are ready for a deep level of transformation and need help identifying the root issues, blind spots, and past hurts affecting your marriage, check out our Intensive Retreat Program at thenoblemarriage.com.

  4. Continue Your Healing: Subscribe to The Noble Marriage for practical tools, encouragement, and hope on your daily healing journey. Check out our special playlist for more episodes dedicated to your healing process!