Dashboard
JOIN GROUP COACHING

How to Forgive the Unforgivable: Decisional vs. Emotional Forgiveness | Ep 12

Season #2

 

How do you begin to forgive when your heart has been shattered? Is it even possible to forgive the "unforgivable"? In Episode 12, Adelle and Travis tackle the messy, misunderstood, and incredibly hard act of forgiveness after betrayal.

Adelle reveals the long list of reasons she initially refused to forgive Travis, mistaking it for condoning his actions or letting him "off the hook." They share the life-changing counsel that helped Adelle make the initial, powerful choice to forgive, differentiating between the two necessary kinds of forgiveness: decisional and emotional. This episode provides the practical tools and hard truths needed to release the poison of unforgiveness and step into the healing God has for you.

Key Takeaways

  • Forgiveness is Not a Feeling: Adelle initially resisted forgiveness because she felt Travis didn't deserve it, it would condone his actions, and she believed she needed time to forget the pain. They emphasize the truth: you will likely never feel like forgiving—it is a decision and a choice.

  • Decisional vs. Emotional Forgiveness: Understanding these two types is essential:

    1. Decisional Forgiveness: The instant choice to forgive, which Jesus calls us to (forgiving  70 ×  7, or endlessly). This is for your healing.

    2. Emotional Forgiveness: The ongoing process where your feelings catch up to your decision. This takes time, as emotions must be processed and cared for.

  • The Power in Letting Go: Unforgiveness is "like drinking a poison hoping the other person dies." It is a sin, a stronghold that turns into bitterness and resentment and will consume you from the inside out.  When you let go of unforgiveness, you open your hands to receive the healing God has for you.  

  • Trust is Separate from Forgiveness: This is a crucial distinction: Forgiveness is not trust. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself; trust must be earned through a partner's consistent words and actions that align with their commitment. You can hold both—forgiveness and a lack of trust—at the same time.

  • Our Model is Christ: We forgive because God first forgave us. He did not require us to earn it. Who are we to hold unforgiveness over a spouse whom Jesus also died for? Repenting to God for holding unforgiveness is the first step in receiving His healing.

  • The Betrayer's Role: Travis shares that Adelle's decision to forgive was an immediate, melting gift that allowed him to see her strength and feel the impact of his actions. A betrayer's humble, repentant heart posture makes it easier for the betrayed spouse to let go and heal.

  • Set Boundaries, Not Barriers: Boundaries and safeguards are necessary to prevent future injury to the relationship, but they are separate from forgiveness. Do not confuse safeguards with withholding forgiveness.

  • Ignore the Outside Noise: Adelle was judged by some friends for forgiving "too early." She had to let go of their judgment, realizing that she was the one suffering from unforgiveness, and it was her choice to make for her healing.

Action Steps & Resources

  1. Make the Choice Today: Make the decisional choice to forgive right now. Your emotions will follow, but the shift will be instantaneous.

  2. Repent to the Lord: Go to God and ask Him to forgive you for holding onto the sin of unforgiveness, resentment, and bitterness. Receive His healing in its place.

  3. Healing Program: Our Walking Through Betrayal Program outlines exactly what forgiveness is, what it is not, and how to navigate both decisional and emotional forgiveness on a daily basis.

Need support walking through betrayal? Learn more about how this program can help! https://programs.thenoblemarriage.com/offers/oHCqLSJr/checkout

Join our support group: https://programs.thenoblemarriage.com/offers/uRBt4CHP/checkout